Blog – How I Plan on Saving Myself #2: Failure and Picking Yourself Up Again

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.” -Shakespeare’s Macbeth

Macbeth is my favorite Shakespearean play and we know what end came to the character, though he had goals and with his goals came failure and ruin…but with goals most of us do not prepare for failure. Most of us, our goals don’t end in ruin but yet we do not plan for those obstacles that may impede our path to accomplishing success. We visualize what must be done and by the end of day one, we are ready to either quit and/or exit promptly. Have you encountered this before?

So, I fell off last week with my first “how to save myself challenge” on meditation. Yes, I felt like Macbeth in that soliloquy, acknowledging my failure but I am working to recover this week. Getting back into the discipline of meditation is not quite as easy as it was over 8 years ago when I practiced diligently. At that time, meditation was also a part of my practice along with my spirituality. I have lost my path again even with that (looking into the vast nebula which is made of me).

Moving forward and getting back on track towards that goal is often put off for another day. Then you try again and feel empowered that the next day you have accomplished what you set out to do with laser focus. A week has gone by and you haven’t skipped a day of your dedicated purpose. Your pace is as steady as a heartbeat, not erratic or slowed.

At first, with your goal set, you then decide attainment and timeframe. Such examples are saving for three months for a new car or reduce that belly fat to a sexy midriff for summertime or build-a-business using these successful tips and steps to financial freedom. In any case, no one leaves room for the fumble, the failure or the agony of defeat. Nobody realizes that they can fall and get back up again, tomorrow. And it is alright. Trust me when I say it is and don’t stop getting up after it all.

These are my original thoughts…life lessons and fumbles. I’ll being posting on my journey. Please subscribe for original content and leave a comment if you like!

POEM: Why Blood Needs Tears

Veins are no different from tear-ducts

They flow despite themselves keeping us sustained

The return necessary for the process to continue

Even though it may be from dread or fate

Pain in the delay of the cycle

Of growth and grown and gone

We push pull and hesitate

Stifle

But still they come down your face

Blinding

Not without the lack of blood

Thank you for reading this spontaneous overflow. Please feel free to like and comment, even criticisms are welcome.

This original blog post and poem was written and copyrighted by Juana M. Gumbs. All rights are reserved by her. April 2020 (C)

#2020

Just some thoughts. A friend of mine inspired me to share these thoughts with my audience on my own blog rather than haunt them with it. *laughing out loud and hard* I tweaked the post just a bit, but the message is still clear. Thanks friend! On my blog, I can share freely. This was my free thinking expression:

Yes, everything starts with the individual. A single person is a universe onto themselves. We do need to confront what prevents us from achieving goals, whether there be excuses or actually admitting to ourselves how much effort do we put into changing ourselves or fates comes into question. Nothing in this universe can prevent us from willing into being something we want achieve, it is ourselves that ultimately get in our own way at times. That is the ultimate truth. We are infinite and unstoppable when we realize we can do everything we think and conjure, but it is the most devastating thing to admit that we failed because we actually was too lazy or scared or hopeless to put things into place to make them happen. I’m willing to do that for myself. You are right about not putting the efforts into holidays or a specific time to work on your vices or goals, but to understand profoundly the reason that nothing comes into being without efforts, could be freeing yourself from all limitations.

What will you do with your power? Let me know in the comments section. I am eager to listen and connect.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to be my best self.

Disclaimer: This inspired by a close friend, who may hate me currently, lol. All photography and original art for this post was created or captured by Hetheru Mer Djehuty. Thank you so much for your support. Please feel free to like, comment, criticize, make suggestions or say “hi”.

This original blog post was written and copyrighted by Juana M. Gumbs. All rights are reserved by her.

BRIEF NARRATIVE: UGH…MOMENT. (Writing In The Raw)

Pulling a trigger quickly, tapping the enter button to add the latest update on my blog. Eagerly, I make adjustments because I made last minute plans to go to The Vitamin Shoppe because I realized I haven’t eaten all day and the need for sustenance just registered to my brain. This sent signals to my tummy which moaned, woefully. The day was long and troublesome, eating was not an immediate concern, at the time.

So the blog was updated and I jumped into my stealtoe boots and ran out the house with a bag of garbage. Well, the bag of garbage was not going to the store with me, it was taken out…to an even larger trash can at the side of the house. I darted to the trash cans and fought off multiple critters and flying insects I could not immediately identify. Deposited the trash quickly without getting in nature’s way.

Finally, I got in the car and drove to The Vitamin Shoppe on Two Notch Road. For a Tueesday evening, the road was buzzing with cars. I prompted myself to stay conscious most of my drive there and noticed the brands of cars that jetted by me, going to nowhere most likely, because Two Notch Road is littered with traffic lights. You stop every half a mile or less.

I was ecstatic to arrive at The Vitamin Shoppe, it is like a health conscious individuals paradise. I was was there mostly, because my brain was actually egging me on to stop at the near by Sam’s Club and get a frozen yogurt instead and call it a night. But no, I had to do what was best for my body and purchase a powdered protein shake in order to take away from the guilt of not feeding my body while my mind was preoccupied with other frivolous things. Those frivolous things caused a aweful lot of bawling and snot and drool….bodily fluids to be fluid just before I finished that last blog. embarrassing

A dashing young man came through with a cart, not to shop with, but I assume he used it for the store since he worked there at the Vitamin Shoppe. I hope he never reads this blog, because he would laugh. So, I’m eye-balling the protein shake powders, reading about what they have, how much protein and all the million things they have in them, that I may desire. At one point, I saw a product and asked “what other pea protein products do you have, ” and he replied, “It has this product, see there is pea protein in the ingredients…” Duh. I knew I could look and see, but do you, young man know? Anyway, I moved on and perused some more. Couldn’t figure if I wanted the caffeinated vegan protein powders or the blasted regular vanilla or chocolate. Blah!

When I get to the cash register, he asked for my number so that they can find my account and I asked if I had gotten enough points to get a five dollar discount. I didn’t. I didn’t have enough points. As he was ringing up my items, I remembered I wanted another blending bottle to put my shake in. The store assistant stopped and showed me to the aisle with the blending bottle and their various uses. I picked one, but then he showed me one with a swirvel stick on the inside and I was like, “BINGO”. Ran back to the register, he’s ringing up my bottle then I see the ginger gum I wanted to try with my boyfriend. Other times, I would see it after I already paid and never bought it. This time…I was right on the money. I even asked the store assistant if they taste good. he said, “Some people like the cinnamon.” Ewwwwww…Ginger gum it is!

After I got my items, I jumped in the car. Drove around to the traffic light to go towards home when I discovered that I had dried snot and cold around my nose the entire time I was in the store. The store attendant propable was wondering “what is she on?” I cackled like a loon bird realizing that I was talking to someone face to face with dried cold on my face and they didn’t laugh at me…outright.

The End.

Disclaimer: I just wrote this on the fly. If there are any grammatical errors, they are made on purpose. That is what I mean when I say “writing in the raw.” Raw emotions, sentences may not be full sentences…things of that nature. Writing for fun! All photography posted on my blog is original artwork and photos taken by Juana M. Gumbs. Thank you so much for your support. Please comment, criticize, make suggestions or say “hi”.

This is an original work of an actual journal entry of mine and is copyrighted in 2019 by Juana M. Gumbs. All rights are reserved by her.

VERSE: Pain, Flowers & Honey

06/18/2019 journal in prose of my day…to encourage myself and anyone else who has loved hard and have had their heart broken. There is hope that someone can love us just as hard for as long as we live. (Featured photo is of me when I was 11 months old.)

I’m beginning to feel that pain and love

Are the same emotions

Because to sometimes have one

Love

Is to sometimes have the other

Pain

Both hold hands and play but can be joined

Inspiration and epiphany

Anger

Extreme bliss

Hurt

Transparency and openness

Regret

Loss

HOPE

The only way to cope

When that person has powers to maim

The worst is that their intentions was not to aim

Yet still, they leave the subject of their love to blame

I have only truly had a broken heart 3 times

From that same individual of all my affections

Those 3 wounds

Have me displaced and ghosted my heart

Left in a state of wandering

Faced with the task to recover

My strength notwithstanding

I will survive the blows that have befallen me

Because there is someone out here in this desert

That can appreciate the flower that I offer

Deeming themselves worthy of my perpetual attentions

Honey intentions without a regret or resent

Journey – Mimic’s Last Recall

As the day begins, we never stop to think where we will be by day’s end. Yet it is inevitable, but we still live our days by time’s law, as though it makes us immortal. When we realize we are physically mortal, then, it’s too late, of course. The questions come into play as to where will we go, and of what our final transformation? We are afraid to even venture that far in our daily capacity of work, family and friends.

In came the butterfly, that somehow lost its way. Or at least, that is how I want to tell the story of this creature. A co-worker found a dead butterfly and passed it on to another co-worker that thought I would want to examine the specimen. I did want to see this creature, all be it, in its post-mortem state. Even if in its post-mortem state it was so stunning in all its glory. It was somehow, or perhaps, newly departed. The butterfly, which I will name Lailah, may be a variety of the Viceroy-Monarch Butterfly or a mimic Monarch Butterfly that is somewhat similar to the Monarch (also known as the Milkweed Butterfly) but does not carry its poisonous nature. Though it may be a mimic, it was the most beautiful and visually alive thing that I experienced all day, well except for that special someone. They know who they are. Observing the beauty of this insect had to be captured by me, because it was just a copy of its former self. I took it upon myself to love this organism, though it was not alive, and record or recall its existence by photo. Lailah will not go forgotten, because social media and even this blog will be shared of her ephemeral time. A sentient transient, as we are but are too busy to make time to meditate upon our own ephemeral existence.

Lailah was a reminder of our own journey from gestation, birth, living or existing and death. What does it matter? Which part matters most to each individual? After capturing Lailah, I plan on providing a burial, and burials, are in essence for those who are alive more than for the deceased. I am just trying to complete the circle/cycle of life. We must love every moment, even in suffering and look at all experiences in life as a path to transformation. I believe it is most important how we live not exist, reveling in the journey with our eyes wide open.

JOURNEY: 40 Days/Nights of Self-Inflicted Torture

Wednesday starting the time of Lent for Catholics everywhere. The subject of Lent was brought up by one of my favorites at work, Joy who is also Catholic and shared her sacrifices during this season. Joy said, “I’m giving up Facebook for Lent. I’m always busy scrolling and searching on Facebook and I think it is the best sacrifice for the season of Lent this year.” Upon hearing this admittance from Joy, my very favorite at work, Trent and I were inspired to also join along in this season of Lent, though we are not Catholics at all. A smile was on Joy’s face in hearing us make our own sacrifices and banter on things we can also do in place of sacrificing something that probably occupies way too much of our time and in some way, is non-productive. Quickly, Trent expressed that he would give up video games and a slew of other things eventually during the day. So, I decided to sacrifice my “toy” and using my “toy” for pleasure. When I say “toy”, I mean my vibrator. I was absolutely way too modest to explain that to Joy or Trent at the time, so I said instead, “I’ll be sacrificing my “toy”. I play with it way too much. Let’s see how crazy I become without it,” I told them both. Trent gave me the eye, because he knew what the “toy” was for…but would not convey its true meaning to Joy, thankfully.

Notice how often the word TOY is used in the first paragraph, well, I will go further into detail. Now this “toy” or vibrator or ‘vibe’ is another word I use for it, has about 4 or 5 different settings. It goes from a moderate constant hum, to a more savage high intensity, then a pulsing pop pulse setting, to a rhythmic drum drum drum, then a beep hum hum beep. However, you want to read into that, you can but that is the best descriptions I can describe in the human language. As for the color of my vice, it is small black phallus shaped bullet, about the length of a middle finger with a gentle exterior, and it does have one fuchsia strip around the top which you screw off to put in its AAA batteries. Then give it a whirl…Ok. This is night two. I miss it already. I almost picked it up to look at it to provide further detail but decided not to do such a thing. Bad idea and too fresh the temptation.

Some may say, well, is it just the vibrator you are giving up then you can still…eh, pleasure yourself in other ways, but I believe that the two are pretty much connected for me. Pretty much I am inducing endorphins every time I use the ‘vibe’ and other chemicals is produced by my brain by, well masturbating. It is a debate and even has been taboo for decades that masturbation may be bad for you? This made me want to investigate the latest research on the effects of masturbation further. Maybe it will help me talk myself out of the temptation. By the way, I am single and unmarried, so what difference does it make if I masturbate often or not? Therefore, I wish to take a deeper look into it.

I came across the very first article on masturbation and unfortunately or fortunately if you are a man, it is called Male Masturbation: 5 Things You Didn’t Know on WebMD.com. One part of the article suggested that masturbation can help the sex life, because this is the best way for you to understand what pleasures you during sex and they said that women would be more satisfied sexually if they masturbated as much as men. WebMD.com also had the Female Masturbation: 5 Things You May Not Know, and it had rather positive research related to masturbation in women. Of course, the first thing was that masturbation is good for you. Yes, it does increase blood flow throughout the body, but it also helps ease stress by the production of endorphins in the body. So, feel good and masturbate. Is that so? Regardless, I will still research masturbation during this 40-day sacrifice and share what I learn with you all in other related blogs.

Please feel free to leave any comments, criticisms or advice in the comment section of this post. Thank you for coming along with me on this journey! JMG